i met up with a friend of my sister's today. she and her husband (not my sister and her husband, but the friend and her husband) are in for the weekend. they have twin babies, a little over a year. she had a great job at a very prestigious univerisity, running the primataology lab and curating the primate collection, etc. that kind of very cool thing.

i asked her if she still saw the old haunts.
and she said nope, i quit. i quit to be home full time.

and i have to say it, part of me just ached. not oh i want to do that. but oh, how sad. she doesn't regret it i am sure. but i think it would still be hard for me to quit my job totally to be a home maker and a mom.

especially if i was working at such a prestigious place and was on such a great game plan with my career. to just walk away.

it's a constant battle i think. to stay home, to go to work, to balance in between.

the church says to stay home if at all possible, but circumstances may require you to work... but what about those who want to work??

i dont know the asnwer yet. i'm still on my weird moment with relief society. and i'm still trying to figure out how feminisim works with the church. i dont know. just bugs me.

planted some in the garden. by this i mean i planted 24 marigolds and some tomatoes and my love planted the rest. the baby helped by un loading the trays. and then placing the packs of plants around in the garden.
we're already at full capacity.

i dont always liked gardening. i really dont. and this soil is nothing but rocks. but when it comes to having nice soil to work in, then im' much happier. it's again, one of those have to do it because we're told to, and i don't want to pay 5.00 for a six pack of organic tomatoes...

bought two books on amazon.com - itsy bitsy yoga for toddlers, and food to live by; the earthbound farm organic cookbook. both are very good. i got them in through ILL yay interlibrary loan.. previewed them and decided yeah i'll use these...

sent a book off to a friend of mine. a post pregnancy yoga book. it was good but i didn't use it enough to warrant keeping it. and i'm trying to de clutter. if i dont love it, then it goes to a new home. this does not do well when you're married to a pack rat.

also bought 4 bum genius 3.0 diapers- no inserts, just the outers - four 8.50 a piece. these typically go for 18.00 a piece. and the company sent me one extra. this now puts the bum genius stash at 13. that means we can put away almost all of the other cloth diapers, including the covers, for these. the other ones are great. i like them alot. but these i love. and they are a lot easier to use. i'm not getting rid of the other diapers. i'm packing them up and putting them into storage. (cloth diapers and baby clothes aren't things you just get rid of.. at least not in my book. too much money goes into them.. or too much work goes into them if you made them.. both are applicable in our case.)

as to the inserts, some of the very first cloth diapers i bought, fold up into third already and fit in perfectly. so we dont even need to buy inserts if we dont or can't.

so we're pretty much entirely in cloth. still at night she's in a disposable. i am thinking of taking her tomorrow to church in a bum genius and taking an extra one or two with us to keep the disposable quantity as low as possible. i loves me the bum genius diaper.

tired, tired tired. maybe watchign m night shamylan something.

definitely eating ice cream.

i always feel like it shouuld be provocative
i always feel like i should be saying something provocative. something important here. someone even said i should be writing a blog about saving money and green living. maybe i'll consider it. we'll see.

i'm listening to pandora.com emily jane white. i can't seem to find the song that i fell in love with her with. does that make sense?
things i have been doing:
1. making bread - for those who freak out at the thought of working through bread, and how difficult it is, i can only say, go get the book Artisan bread in five Minutes a day, and it will change your bread lifestyle. it's fantastic. i have made quite a few of the breads in there and they have all been great. the granola bread is delightfully moist and sweet. the olive oil bread is perfect for stromboli, pizza dough, calzone, pita etc. just a great tender bread. the oatmeal bread is very hearty and worthy of a good soup. next on the list will be the super soft wheat sandwhich breads.
2. making pajama bottoms for the baby - two sundays ago, some friends of ours gave us clothes for the baby. hand me downs which are AWESOME (i am in the first place, a big fan of hand me downs. new clothes are great too. but the idea of them being free! and them being already loved is grand. and you also get clothes that you possibly couldn't afford, wouldnt' have seen because of your locale, and something you may have sneered at because it is not your style. it's always a surprise.)
In the bag of clothes was a sweet set of pajamas from baby gap. They are pink flannel, with a matching long sleeved pajama top, just like a grown up pajama top. very very sweet. now the baby has a good amount of pajamas but she always needs more. when you have children, you will understand.. she has some up thruogh I think 4T, a couple sets in each size. these are msotly the big romper things, with feet, or without feet, the big giant unitards with the long zipper from ankle to collarbones.
I was so enchanted by the little pajamas, i thought, if only i could make them. then i rememebered, my mother worked in a dress factory and made a lot of our clothing. so we had a sewing day on tuesday. cut out the pattern which is the MOST annoying thing, and started cutting the fabric. by the end of the day i had made one, and only one, pair of pajama botoms. but on wednesday, i made three pairs of pajama bottoms. so i'm getting the hang of it. next will be the shirts. i'm not sure if i dare tackle that on my own.
but they are very sweet. flannel, that was free!

3. reading up on a healthier lifetyle/diet - i am leaning again towards semi vegetarianism. i know i seem to say this more often. but i am getting tired of the typical food regime. i am also getting tired of all of the garbage in food. so i'm exploring more grains, more organic ideas, more adventuresome cooking. i have started to rediscover, with making all this bread of late, that i do love to cook. i just hate to clean the kitchen. and as my kitchen in exceedingly small, it is always needing to be cleaned.
so as for reading: Super Natural cooking by Heidi Swanson which I LOVE (i may have to buy it used somewhere); Food to live by from Earth Bound farm (which was the first organic farm to sell and market to the retail sector.. and it all started with raspberries); Super Foods RX; and of course Artisan bread in five Minutes a day. Another book came in yesterday.
along with that my father is still borderline diabetic, so says the most recent bloodwork. I dont want to be dealing with that. so if i can figure this out, if i can change my eating habits, then i can change my health. diabetes was one of the things i was most frightened of during pregnancy. luckily i escaped it, but i was also close. yet in changing a few things in my diet - whole wheat, more fruit etc - i saw a difference and the dr saw a difference, in just two weeks time.

3 1/2. Lots of reading - I am reading like crazy. I just finished Farneheit 451. I am reading Brideshead Revisited by Waugh. I got out of the library Lovely Bones. I read the very first part of it and i had to drop the book and put it away. It was beautifully written. The writer knows what she's doing. But it's incredibly disturbing (to me it was). my love asked if I was disappointed. and I said disappointed was the wrong word. Disappointed usually for me involves quality. Like Twilight was disappointing and insanly frustrating because the writer has this great story, but she can't write her way out of a cardboard box. well maybe a cardboard box, but definitely not a garage. Lovely bones, it is beautiful. it is great writing, lovely word choice, vivid imagery, really great stuff. But it would be like watching Constantine, or Pans Labrynth.. skillful, beautiful but disturbing. My sister said skip the first part and just go to the next. I dont know if I can pick it up again. i was terrified i would have nightmares last night.

Things I need to do:
1. make a yogurt.
2. make a menu for dinners, things involving more whole grains and less fat, and rubbish.
4. quilt.
5. tidy up.
6. fold laundry. maybe.
7. kitchen.
8. research possible job locations for next year. apparently there's only two places in the country that don't need teachers desperately. Illinois and the Wyoming Valley. guess where we live, in great proximity? I'll give you hint - it's not illinois! so yeah. we'll see what happens but yeah...

I am getting antsy to write again. i've taken a break from requiem for just a spell. i sent it out to some friends for eyes and i'm waiting a little bit before i jump back in. but i'm getting antsy to write more. i keept hinking - if stephanie meyer can write twilight, so badly and make millions why cant i write somethign really great, and make millions? is hould be able to do what she did and do it better.

but first, a nap.

feeling industrioius
i am feeling industrious. i have been trying to clean up all day. organize, spring clean, get rid of things via freecycle.

i saw some show - sell this house - and what they had to do to make the house sell able. and i thought wow. if they're calling that cluttered i'm; in trouble...

so i've been on a mission ot organize, simplify. finish projects, finish or find new uses for things.. for example i took the back of a sweater i didn't finish because i didn't have ebnough yarn and the sizing was off, and made it into a cape/jacket for the dog. go me.
i'm taking the sleeves of my loves old t shirts i cut up for diapers.. and am making them into wipes. i was going to make them into toysm but im being realistic here.

so there we go.

go us.

cant sleep. baby has a fever. it seems to be going down. she had a blessing. but i cant sleep. antannaes are on hyper alert.

my love didn't get the coaching job. so he works until december/january ish. then he begins his student teaching in the spring. which means no pay check until new job. i'm sweating bullets here.

i'm not working this summer hardly at all. two weeks for kids at kings. that's it. i'm sweating bullets about that too.

thinking of applying at penn state wilkes barre but that is going against what i want right now. i want to be writing.

will write more

does breast feeding hurt?
when a friend of mine asked his wife this question.... the wife (a dear friend of mine also) answered:
"pinch your nipple, as hard as you can.."

so he pinched his nipple as hard as he could, until he couldn't handle it anymore.

"Now imagine that for ten minutes on each side. ten times a day."

an hour later the husband came back to his wife.

'Da**, that hurt like a sonovab***! It STILL HURTS."

so to all those who wonder, does breast feeding hurt? go pinch your nipples really hard, ten times a day, for ten minutes a day on each side, and see how you feel.


i have always considered myself to be a feminist. not a feminazi. but a feminist.
by that i mean: equal rights, equal pay, equal recoginition, etc etc etc. the idea that women are people too, anything you can do i can do better (except pee standing up, although they do have those little things you can use for camping so you don't pee on yourself. so maybe with practice i could out shoot a guy in a peeing contest...who knows..) i dont see women's liberation as the antichrist or the great disintegraiton of femininity. i don't see eve as a stupid **** who couldn't listen to directions, but rather a smart woman who when posed with two conflicting commandments made her decision for what she thought was the greater good, and the greater correct principle. choices choices choices. etc etc etc. i'd probably have burned a bra or two if i was there.

this came up last night by my saying that i was not going to take the relief society announcements anymore. my husband asked why. i said that i just couldn't handle it anymore. that i was saddened by the femi phobe attitude of relief society. the word femi-phobe took him aback.
i asked him how come i can only name two relief sociey general presidents? eliza r. snow and emma smith. if i'm part of this great organization, how come i'm not taught its history? how come i dont know anything about it? except it was created to give relief to those in need and was set up as a woman's club first, and then it got taken to joseph smith who then said God approved it and made it part of the church. How come i know that emma smith used her position as RS president as a pulpit and soapbox against polygamy and that the brethren shut down RS for about 30 years? why can't i name any more than 2 RS presidents? or how come I can't name any other contributions made by the RS and the presidencies throughout the history of the church?

what about relief society and it's role in suffragism? or the fact that brigham young sent women back out east to learn to become doctors? talk about educating your women? and how we are to be quiet, and polite, and make those annoying stupid crafts....

looking at the bible as a piece of literature, where are the women? there's Mary the mother of Christ, there's Mary Magdalen who is often portrayed as a whore and a camp follower though evidence suggests otherwise, there's a priestess and a prophetess. there's Moses' sister? delilah who was not a great woman.. and then there's Eve who is often maligned. Am I missing anyone? how many women aren't mentioned? how many women aren't talked about? there are women who received blessings and miracles. there are women who were immoral. but why are their voices or their moments in the bible so scant?
saying the words look at the bible as a piece of literature, or look at the book of mormon as a piece of literature blew my husband's mind. and he didn't handle that well.

so many times i have had to sit through relief society and hear the presidency malign women's liberation about how it was the first thing that started to destroy the family, how it really was not a great thing and how we should all be in our homes, quiet, working hard, and being grateful for th lot we've been given.
how many times have i sat through young women's as a teacher and as as student and had to hear the comment, well you should dress modestly so you don't tempt the young men to have dirty thoughts. where's the accountability for the men? and how far is this from forcing all women to wear burqhas because a women's ankle might illicit dirty thoughts from a man so we must cover every inch of our bodies so we don't tempt them. because men just cant control themselves. they want to jump everything they see and they can't be blamed for it. it's just the way they are..

it just makes me sad to think of this...

our daughter has a doll someone gave her. it was given in kindness and love. but it goes against everything in my feminist sense. blonde hair blue eyes cheerleader in pink and short skirts chanting obnxious degrading cheers. and my husband asked whats wrong with being a cheerleader?

or what is wrong with models? how is that a bad thing? they don't really make an impact do they?

or what is wrong with fairy tales? i told him the vast majority of the princesses haveto be rescued, and they have to wait for prince charming to rescue them. rapunzel is one of the only ones i can think of that actually rescues the prince.

and then attempting to talk feminism with my husband just reminded me why i dont have these kinds of discussions with him. he quietly freaks out and doesn't handle it. he doesn't know how to accept or express anything in regards to it. so it just breaks down. so i dont talk to him anymore about it. it makes me sad there too.


my beatles
so keystone, one of the local colleges here, is hosting a literary gathering. apparently it's quite well to do.

but guess who is coming this year?
salman flipping rushdue

and holy crap

gregory freaking maguire.

for those who the names mean nothing

salman rushdie - he wrote: the satanic verses (which got him a fatwa for twenty years) and Midnight's children.

gregory maguire for those who have been under a rock

wrote Wicked.

i may have to go to this....

holy freaking cow.

i dont know who they killed or whose sould got sold to the devil or who made what deal in a dark crossroads, but oh my goodness salman rushdie and gregory maguire.

incredibly cool.

why i cant go to a wrestling match
i am laughing at Ultimate fighting whatever it is. waaayy too many homoerotic double entadres. men rolling around the floor with each other locked in their legs... when the announcers scream "Get on top get on top!!" or "Make him be submissive!" you know there's got to be something to it...

(no subject)
my new favorite thing to do is to look at houses for sale. i look all over. usually it's in new england, maine, vermont, new hampshire area. but i'm expanding my search to places like utah and oregon...

i want that sense of community.

i cant help notice a difference in the way the RS president treats me. it's been nothing but a cold shoulder since that lesson. it's just hard when the person who is in charge of the rs is ignoring you. theres just a lot of questions i have about things anymore.

part of me wants to move to utah, to some palce with such a great lds strutcure. but the moire i think about it, the more i think utah really isn't for me...its just like a feeling in the pit of my stomach...i have a hard time fathoming living there. i dont know why...i just lean more towards new england....

my love and i were talking about how we should get some book of mormon board books for our daughtr to take to church. i look at deseret books.com and there's ONE board book along those lines.

i should be writing. my lunch get together had to reschedule... so i'll do lunch when i get home...

(no subject)
getting the feeling of wanting to be industrious. like make somethig, or lots of things. want to get back into spinning, knitting, quilting. my hands are getting antsy to be working with fabric and fiber again. not to mention antsy to be typing more and more on the book and getting that sucker done AGAIN.

was supposed to sing at a missionary fireside tonight but baby suddenly got a fever of 102.2 so i decided we'd stay intonight. my love went and said it was nice. i was supposed to sing with a group of people... but they were all understanding. baby is feleing better. cutting two teeeth which may have somethign to do with the fever. fever has lowered.

dont want to go to work tomrrow. not totally sure what we're going to do for the 8am class... we're over april 27th anyway...so yeah. but that's still a good month away. so yeah.

tired. not sleeping well anymore.

missing a good gym. yes the one at school is great. but i dont really have the luxury of using it....

thinking of making and opening a writer's retreat here.

i want a goat. a ctually i want two goats. goats are social creatures.s o i really want two goats. maybe a nan and a billy, so then we'd get kids... and we'd have milk, and meat.. or milk and fiber. i would love to have a fiber animal here aside from the sheep. again that whole idea of being self reliant.

am tired am realy tired. should go and get diapers ready for tomorrow and pull out clothes for school tomorrow. so i guess i will. have to get things ready for granny to be here tomorrow... the easier the better.

oh. found a great tv show. KINGS. how awesome it is. i think it's my new favorite. only its on the same time as the amazing race. so we flip back and forth and i watch it on hulu.com. thank goodness for hulu.com


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