sturmkit

watched dr horrible in 2 of my 3 classes today. i'm still singing the songs :)

am getting antsy to write and pump things out, but now i have two stories starting to compete for space. i have too many voices talking. one is my friend who swears the dark neverland thing will be huge.. but ok.. but it's taking forever to write it as my time is limited.. and i cant shake the wuthering heights thing...

this morning was a snuggle morning with the baby.. it was lovely..

hailers rocks...

i dont want to attack my kitchen but i need to.

i want hot chocolate.

there is much more to say but my words are falling short right now...

not necessarily long term..

i want scones. good blueberry or raspeberry scones. and pronounced Scawnes. not sco(long o) scones

i want papa johns pizza with breadsticks and garlic dipping sauce.

i want chicken tandoori and mango ice cream

i want my favorite tea which i can't get in this country bloody annoyance

i want to sit and talk and visit for hours more with my friend jane. or at least know that i can.

i want to hear bob rumbling around somewhere with the dog or playing with the grill in the back or getting himself a drink and to see his flannel shirts somewhere.

i want to be writing and getting that taken care of. publishing. doing well. paying bills.

i want to be able to put our child in nursery and not expect and be given the worse case scenario. every bloody time.

i want a hosue in the highlands, or in th elake district. maybe even with a thatched roof.

i want a proetty garden.


i'm just feeling very homesick right now..

i miss jane...

How Many Nights
by Galway Kinnell

How many nights
have I lain in terror,
O Creator Spirit, maker of night and day,

only to walk out
the next morning over the frozen world,
hearing under the creaking snow
faint, peaceful breaths...
snake,
bear, earthworm, ant...

and above me
a wild crow crying 'yaw, yaw, yaw'
from a branch nothing cried from ever in my life.

"How Many Nights" by Galway Kinnell, from Three Books. © Houghton Mifflin, 2002. Reprinted with permission. (buy now)

i was talking to a colleague of mine as we walked from the parking lot to our office together and we got on the subject of music.. cellos, bass..

and i made him watch/listen to the simple gifts from the inauguaration..

it reminded me how much i loved and still love music...

and then in looking for something ot show him what a low E on an upright Bass sound slike, i found this..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tg4kr9tDtjI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCXRskJ6E0o&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VDmvuyKOyU&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFr5qyzfpXA&feature=related

and it made me smile.... like remembering an old friend.

my bass teacher back when i was a music major was the only one who said he would miss me.... he said he would miss my humanity...

i liked cello but i think i loved bass...
not the fiinger plucking thing. but the bow work...

the sloppy joes were really good. i dont typically like sloppy joes. i think they're usually an excuse for food. but these were really good. i'll make them again.

just submitted ana rticle to a magazine. crossing fingers.

baby has a pot op follow up appointment today.


did a proposal for a harry potter / children fantaty literature course for school. trying to hedge my bets and ensure that i get some courses. even if i ihave to make them up myself. i sent it off to my suprvisor who said she'd be happy to look it over.
that is one HUGE thing off my to do list.

now it's more writing, morem eal planning, some life planning, brain mapping kind of thing..

have to go to the library on the way, and i must get chocolate. for halloween yes. for all three trick or treaters we get.

but wow i need chocolate.
maybe ice cream too. it is sueprnatural night after all.

hailers what'd you think of the proposal?

so i said i needed to do a menu

here are my efforts. i only plan dinners because everythign else is left overs or easy stuff.


tonight

BBQ Sloppy Joes - using ground turkey

Prep Time: 5 min Total Time: 20 min Makes: 4 servings, one sandwich each
What You Need!
1 lb. lean ground beef
1 each: green pepper and onion, finely chopped
1/2 cup KRAFT Original Barbecue Sauce
1/2 cup water
1/4 lb. (4 oz.) VELVEETA Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product, cut up
4 hamburger buns, split

Make It!
BROWN meat in large nonstick skillet on medium-high heat; drain. Add peppers and onions; cook 5 min., stirring occasionally.

STIR in barbecue sauce, water and VELVEETA; cook 2 min. or until VELVEETA is melted and mixture is well blended, stirring frequently.

MEANWHILE, toast the buns. Fill buns evenly with meat mixture.
Kraft Kitchens TipsMake AheadCool meat mixture completely. Place in resealable freezer-weight plastic bag or four small freezer containers; place buns in resealable freezer-weight plastic bag. Freeze up to 3 months. Thaw meat mixture and buns in refrigerator overnight. When ready to serve, reheat meat mixture in small saucepan on medium heat, stirring frequently. Meanwhile, toast the buns. Fill buns evenly with meat mixture.Variation - Saucy BBQ Sloppy JanesSubstitute lean ground turkey for the ground beef.

tomorrow
will be posted later. am going ot be late for class.

i'm back at work after a week off from the cold from hades.

it's raining. i want to go home. but it hink i'll probably just end up going and getting lunch. i dind't grab anything this morning before i left.

still trying to figure out alternate sources of income. have started writing an article. may see what I can do about submitting it and hopefully getting it sold..

anything right now..

am eating m&Ms and probably shouldn't.

and i dont care.

need to figure out a meal plan for the rest of the week and figure out what i'm going to do for dinners etc, and for halloween this weekend.

roughly five weeks of class left. and then we'll see how this all goes...

five weeks to nail dark neverland and get it done.. hailers maybe iwill send it to you. i need to figure out space and all.. and maybe startpumping out another piece and pray for publications and stories etc...

i just had to explain to my mother that i do NOT have swine flu.

in order to do this - even though i have had the vaccination - i referred to webmd and read her all the symptoms for both flus and colds.

i have had a wicked cold.

NOT FLU.

now the baby is getting a cold. grrr..

at least it shouldn't end up being an ear infection. let's test out those new ear tubes and make sure they do their job.

my ears ache right now from the fluid and all from this bloody cold.

repeat.


MOTHER I DO NOT HAVE SWINE FLU.

i have been crazy sick.
not swine flu. but i had a tiny tiny tiny microscopic sore throat the day i got my swine flu vaccination and i think that and the crazy life melt down that is my life just was too much and pushed my poor immune system over the edge. i have been out of school since wednesday. i will be going back this wednesday. a full week. wow. i never do that.
i have been posting assignments on the websites so we're all good. but i feel kind of awful about it.

read something last night, in preparing for the sunday school lesson i teach in two weeks - this week halloween actually is stake conference weekend - and it was a quote by president hinckley. basically said, Things will work out. they always do.

and it was just such a reaffirmation that things will work out.

things are still a struggle. but it will be ok.
i dont know how. but God does. and that's all that matters. he can show met he rest on a need to know basis.

submitted 20 pages of my novel to an online press.. we'll see. i'm not sure, but i sent out a query. can't hurt.


picked out a bridesmaid dress from totally modest.com now i just have to get into better shape. i'm not bad but i'm getting teacher arms. ugh. i want to do better. so i think it's back to postnatal bootcamp for a while then building up again to 30 day shred.

am making more christmas gifts.

considering sending the baby back to nursery. the branch president is involved as is the entire priamry presidency. i think i'm right. i'm fairly sure i'm right.
but what is more important right now. being right, or the baby's chance to get to go to class? we have not had her in nursery. but it's tothe point where she just runs around or we have to hide out during the second and third hours of church.
i do want her to be able to be in nursery.
i just want to feel comfortable with it.

i think my love will go in with her for the first few times and we'll just keep insanely close tabs on it.
i dont know. but i am thinking about it. she did enjoy it.

so thinking.

need to do more yoga.

need to do more meal planning.

wishing has gone into praying..

now praying..

am praying for a way to make ends meet. the time of my love's job is quickly dwindling and student teaching is getting closer.
i am getting more and more desperate to find ways to bring in extra income. even considering applying for food stamps and possible welfare as we are going to be making so little... consdering applying for a deferment on my student loans again claiming economic hardhsip, but that will just prolong the repayment process...

i dont know what else to do.

am praying for an agent to like the book and sell it.
am praying to know where to submit stories so they will get purchased
am praying to be on fire with writing great stories and to keep up with the getting sold thing.
am praying for a long term sub position for my love's student teaching gig.
am praying for a job to show up so quickly and that it will be the right one, and we won't have to be struggling so much
am praying to have food on the table for the baby, and for us, and for the dog.
am praying to be able to make allof our bills, and somehow find health insurance (COBRA?) that we can afford until my love has a job that will offer us health insurance.

am praying.....

i heard great talks today.. one was about having courage. another was about faith in trials.
am trying really hard to be brave and to figure out how to solve this, how to fix this, how to make ends meet...

am scared.

am praying.

may cancel classes tomorrow after all to be home with baby, and start submitting things out... praying, praying praying....

considering working at wal mart of someplace on some weird shift to help bring in money...maybe when everyone else is sleeping..

am praying the baby doesn't get sick from her grandmother who is ill. that she wont get the flu because we havent beenable tog et her flu shot yet - she hasn't been healthy long enough to get it for her until after surgery. am praying to kow what to do about h1n1 flu. vaccine or not...

am praying that my grandmother stays well....gets better soon.

am praying to know what to do.... had an epiphany tonight. i talked to a woman at church who has horses. i asked her if we could work out a barter system. if she taught me how to ride again, what could i offer to barter for her.. she asked for piano lessons. and i was all excited. i have wanted to get back on a horse, to ride again. i can't afford lessons. and i have always wanted to be involved with therapy horses, and maybe someday trail riding and search and rescue kind of thing with horses.. and my dad said, there's no reason you couldn't. you have a barn ehre. you have all this property. and i had never heard it said to me, there's no reason you can't. you could do that.... i always thought there's no way i could...


can't sleep.

am praying to know what to do with the rest of my life.

found an online phd program in english lit, rather affordable. but do i want to do academia and tenure track professorship forever? do i want that badly enough? or would i rather spend that doing a yoga teacher training thing? would i rather use that some other way? i dont know.. but it was nice to think about.. maybe someday.

considering online blogging jobs...

am praying. am scared....

i believe, oh lord, help thou my unbelief....
am praying.

i am wishing for an affordable health food store, or a store that carries vegetarian and organic options that isn't going to cost me an arm and a leg. for a store that these options actually taste good so that my husband who is not so all about this will eat too. and so i can get my daughter to eat more healthy as well.

as it stands i have about half a 'meat loaf' (made from lentils and vegetables, tastes lovely) left to eat. by myself. for someone who loves to cook and to share food, not being able to share my food with my family is less than great.

in line of the new eating style, i thought i'd share some recipes.
Yesterday was Pumpkin Apple Soup with Pumpkin muffins. (the muffins came from Food to Live by the people who do Earth Bound farm. fantastic book by the way.)

Today was Vegetarian Meatloaf. Really good.

tonight is Pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. (my sister gave me a huge amount of fresh pumpkin so it has to get used.)

So here are the recipes that don't come from Earth Bound Farm. i dont feel like typing it out from the book.

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies III
Original recipe yield 2 dozen

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Pumpkin-Chocolate-Chip-Cookies-III/Detail.aspx?src=etaf

INGREDIENTS (Nutrition)
1 cup canned pumpkin
1 cup white sugar
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 egg
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon milk
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup chopped walnuts (optional)


DIRECTIONS
Combine pumpkin, sugar, vegetable oil, and egg. In a separate bowl, stir together flour, baking powder, ground cinnamon, and salt. Dissolve the baking soda with the milk and stir in. Add flour mixture to pumpkin mixture and mix well.
Add vanilla, chocolate chips and nuts.
Drop by spoonful on greased cookie sheet and bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for approximately 10 minutes or until lightly brown and firm.



Vegetarian Meat Loaf

http://www.recipezaar.com/Really-Good-Vegetarian-Meatloaf-really-33921

Ingredients
2 cups water
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup lentils
1 small onion, diced
1 cup quick-cooking oat
3/4 cup grated cheese (cheddar, swiss, jack or american)
1 egg, beaten
4 1/2 ounces spaghetti sauce or tomato sauce
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon dried basil
1 tablespoon dried parsley
1/2 teaspoon seasoning salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper

Directions

1 Add salt to water and boil in a saucepan.
2 Add lentils and simmer covered 25-30 minutes, until lentils are soft and most of water is evaporated.
3 Remove from fire.
4 Drain and partially mash lentils.
5 Scrape into mixing bowl and allow to cool slightly.
6 Stir in onion, oats and cheese until mixed.
7 Add egg, tomato sauce, garlic, basil, parsley, seasoning salt and pepper.
8 Mix well.
9 Spoon into loaf pan that has been generously sprayed with Pam (non-stick cooking spray) or well-greased.
10 Smooth top with back of spoon.
11 Bake at 350 degrees for 30- 45 minutes until top of loaf is dry, firm and golden brown.
12 Cool in pan on rack for about 10 minutes.
13 Run a sharp knife around edges of pan then turn out loaf onto serving platter.

Pumpkin apple soup

http://www.cooks.com/rec/doc/0,1948,152171-241203,00.html

PUMPKIN-APPLE SOUP

1 tbsp. butter
1 tbsp. finely chopped onion
1 lg. Granny Smith apple, coarsely grated or finely chopped
1 c. canned or cooked pumpkin
3 c. chicken broth
1 tsp. curry powder or to taste
Salt
White pepper
4 tbsp. shelled roasted pumpkin seeds, if desired
Plain low-fat yogurt, if desired
Chives, if desired

IN a medium saucepan, melt butter over medium heat. Add onion. Saute until softened; do not brown. Add apple, pumpkin, broth and curry powder. Season with salt and white pepper. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat. Cover and simmer, stirring occasionally, 25 minutes or until apple and onion are tender.
In a blender or a food processor fitted with the metal blade, process soup in batches to a puree. Reheat, if necessary. Sprinkle each serving with pumpkin seeds, if desired. Garnish with piped yogurt and chives, if desired. Makes 4 servings.

my love came home monday morning. and for the first time ever, i wasn't mad the entire time he was gone. i wasn't furious at him. i usually end up so angry at him by the time he comes home that things just dont go well.
this didn't happen this time. it was nice for a change :)

surgery: baby had surgery this morning. ear tubes. she was excellent. even if they ended up running over an hour late. she was good as gold. the procedure took all of five minutes. she didn't even bleed when he nicked her ear drum to put the tube in. (tuves in both ears by the way.) she didn't like waking up. she was confused and cranky and just not understanding why she felt the way she didn't. the anesthesia was gas, so the more she cried the better, because she got it out of her system. but she did great. she's back to her normal self. she took a four hour nap! which gave mommy a chance to get a decent nap in as well. she's down for the night. doing great.

car: still looking.

food: i'm still following a semi vegetarian thing. no red meat at all. no pork. no ham. no bacon. chicken, seafood/fish area allowed. i imagine turkey will be allowed at thanksgiving but i may not even want it. eggs, and dairy products.
doing well. i have to learn how to cook again but it's fun to actually be cooking and not just rummaging. today's dinner was home made pumpkin soup, which turned out outstanding if i do say so myself. i also made pumpkin maple muffins. no frosting or streudel. but soo good. really really moist.
wednesday? or tuesday dinner was black bean and corn salad and home made au gratin potatoes. again. excellent. i'm loving this whole cooking thing again, learning how to cook, understanding it again. not depending on someone else for my food, or for my family's food. i'm really looking hard core into organic foods.
and after reading the new york times article about the girl who got e coli from one hamburger and who is now paralyzed, and what exactly goes into ground beef, i told my love that we are never again buying ground beef unless it's organic, or we know the butcher. we just can't trust any one anymore.

i can see myself staying with this eating style and augmenting it. i feel a lot better. i'm enjoying it so much more.

i have been terrible about working out in the morning. i need to figure something else out. i need to bring back some yoga.

need to figure out lesson plans for the baby for the week. things i want to focus on and to accomplish with her.

she has chosen her favorite blanket/quilt. my cousin made it for her as a bunting. but it's a large pink quilt. winnie the pooh characters (nice not annoying) on one side, and soft pink fuzzyiness on the other. the baby drags it with her wherever she goes.


i think that's it for now...

so my love is out in utah.
his whole deal about going was it was his mission reunion.

so he wanted to go. desperately.

and of course to spend time with his dad.

so fine,
when we don't really have the money to do this, he goes and buys tickets and goes. which i have to say pissed me off to no end.

last night was the reunion. it was a couple of hours deal. notlike his high school reunion which was a whole weekend thing - cookout for the families, formal dinner, lots of things...(which he also flew out to utah for...)

i asked him how it was.

he went eh. i only knew two missionaries there.

he got to see some missionary couple he knew - or rather his mission president and some other couple. i dont know who they were.

and that was it.

so yeah.

was it a waste of time and money?


i'm kind of the opinion that it was. just another waste. when we dont really have the money to spare.

grr.

he's going fishing today with his dad in the high uintas.

maybe that will be a better thing.

this is so not going to be good.
but i have to let it go. i have to not be bitter and cranky about it. regardless that i haven't been to one college homecoming or grad school alumni weekend, reading or homecoming yet.

regardless i havent been back to the uk in almost ten years.

yeah so not feeling this right now.

and i had to booger ball the baby (use the blue ball bulb syringe, colloquially called the booger ball) and she won't let me do it, so she then has snot running down her face and into her mouth and i worry it's going to end up in her lungs.

i have to hold her down to do this and she screams the entire time. it's almost impossible anymore.


sorry. i'm feeling a little avenue Qish -sucks to be me...

maybe i'll see if i can find the thing on one step ahead the fancy schmancy booger ball thing...

i just want to sit and quilt and knit all day today. but that's not going to happen... grrr.

i'm cranky. can you tell.. so hailers hug me and tell me it's fine... and let me know what you think of dark neverland when you get done with it..
and what the heck should i do....


ps. heard from the boy. fishing in the unintas was good. good to hang out with his dad and later on his mom and some of his sisters and our neices and nephews.

but yeah he said the missionary reunion wasn't worth it. but to be with hsi family was.

i did quilt some today. that helped. it calms me.

i am so little and the world is so big.

i am in a weird spot right now. i usually am when the boy is away. but this has been brewing.

i have always believed i could go and change the world, go and do anything.
and now i'm not so sure anymore. now i'm not so sure if i'm going to make it as a writer, if i'm just deluding myself with this whole thing.

maybe i should go and change careers.

a friend of mine is getting married. she just told me this week. they just decided it. and she said she needed help, needed ideas.

and i immediately started giving her the dish on local wedding stuff, who to call, what to do, logistics, etc... and i thought, i really do love weddings. i would love to be a wedding planner. but i have no idea how to go about this.
and then in her next email to me, she said wow you are really good at this.... and the subject was - wedding planner.
i really do enjoy it. but my experience with events has been so limited it's ridiculous.

and then i keep finding myself becoming more passionate about good food, about cooking and my having to re learn how to cook because of the diet shift.

and i still want to check out the idea of a writers retreat.. some day...

i dont know what to do anymore. and i find myself feeling so far away from things religiously. i still feel spiritual. but i find that i fall asleep during my prayers because i am so exhausted at the end of the day.

i'm still freaked out about money. and next semester is the student teachign semester....

we still dont have a car for my love. he went to look at the one s10 with my dad. and my dad just said he was neutral on the car. i cornered him tonight and said, my love appreciates you letting him make his own decision. but he also respects and wants your opinion. what did you think of the truck?
and it came out that dad wouldn't touch it. too many modifications. too many things that may not be legal totally. too much that has to be done to it to make it legal on top of getting a new blinker and four new tires.
and then we talked about the scottsdale - the giant truck my love is in love with, and dad said he wouldn't touch that one either. if it was a farm truck, then fine. but this is going to be your daily reliable driver, so no. it's too old. it has already had body work done to it so it will have to be done and kept up with or else it will rust to pieces. mileage is going to suck and it's going to be a pain to get parts for. granted the parts are available in junkyards. but do you want to have to go and harvest them? ehh...

he basically said that he would rather us get something more reliable, that even if we couldn't afford it as we are so skint he'd spot us. which is a comfort. still frutrating a litle right now. but it's a comfort.

we're doing all we can and i feel like we're just sinking here. ugh.

and i just watched some thing on 20/20 about albinism, and some lady was saying how in tanzania people are stealing albino babies from their mothers, threatening to kill all the other children in the house unless the mother gives the albino baby to them men, and then when she gives the child up, because it's kill all of them, or kill one of them, they take the baby and cut off its legs and body parts, OUTSIDE THE FREAKING HOUSE and leave the body outside the house. witch doctors use albino body parts in their spells.
it just made me sick.



our baby, our little girl still has or has another ear infection. she gets tubes next thursday. the doctor squeezed her in. he didn't want to wait. at least that will be done and taken care of, and that should take care of the problem.

she is asleep now.

today in the store, she was in the cart, she reached up and grabbed me and hugged me for a couple of minutes. just held me so tightly. i loved it. and yesterday she walked up to me and hugged my leg...

she is so beautiful, so sweet, she just about breaks my heart (in a good way). it just breaks and grows again every time i see her.

she likes blueberry scones. that was breakfast. tonight we had chicken (i'm not a total veggie. just not red meat, products coming from sheep, pigs, or mystery meat. chicken, turkey, seafood. but not a lot.) and she cleaned her plate which she hasn't done in a while. she ate well.

i just feel so little, and the world so big.....

so the car situation....

my husband found a whole bunch of cars on craigslist and started calling on the ones he was interested in. he's narrowed it down to two right now. both are trucks. one is a small chevy s 10. 2001. airbags, etc. 1500. needs new tires - the one's just about bald. not four wheel drive, so we'd have to put weight in the back to give it the traction it would need. only two seat belts, and they have to be reinstalled. as my love would say: it's a toy truck.

the other is a 1987 chevy scottsdale. this is a beast. it's a work truck. it looks like a work truck. it sounds like a work truck. this is a work truck. 1790-1990 depending on if we can haggle the guy down. 8 foot bed. solid. there is some rust - not much and not bad. but the dealer has already done a little but of work. and once that is done, it has to be kept up with. easy to get parts for. runs like champ. no airbags. but heaven help the person who gets into an accident with this truck because the truck will survive. the others wont. 4x4 so four wheel drive which is good for the winter time. we could put the car seat in if we had to. there's room and belts for three.

my love is in love with the scottsdale.

my goal is to get my husband into a truck before he leaves for utah which is Thursday. i hate driving to the airport. it really frightens me. i don't handle driving well. i really dont. i wish we had public mass trans around ebcause i'd be so much less stressed. i literally pray the entire time i am driving and i flinch when i'm riding in the front seat. i flinch, gasp, curl my toes up... i always think someone's going to hit me. he comes back early monday morning.

am debating about sending some things out to the glimmer train best beginnings contest. but there's a reading fee of 10.00 a piece. that's not bad. but it's enough. and right now, i'm poor. so i dont htink i will. the deadline is tonight anyway. i can send in to their open submissions for stories and hope for the best.
i'm going to start that anyway. heavy submissions. start breaking things up into chapters and see if they stand by themselves. and if they do submit them independently....

hailers when do you want to read more stuff?? i need your eyes. let me know. i have two things...

baby has a drs appointment on friday with the ENT. time to talk tubes and all of that... ugh. but necessary.

got a phone call from a friend of mine/writing colleague. he's about as broke as you can get. they're turning off his electricty. turning off his gas. they're about as poor as you can get. they have food for the animals but not for them. they have a quarter of a tank of gas to get them through the week. (they - he and his wife.) and i just ached. and i couldn't help them. i just couldn't.


checked my other friends facebook today. and her status was: WHAT'S IN MY BELLY????????
and immediately everyone is going ARE YOU PREGNANT? BAAAAAABBBBBYYY? WHAT IS IN YOUR BELLY! YOU BETTER NOT TELL ME YOU'RE PREGNANT ON FACEBOOK!!

turns out the question was in regards to what she was hungry for - vanilla ice cream and brownies...

it's raining.

i think the baby has finally gone to sleep. the phone rang twice, and i think she was just awake enough for it to keep her awake... ugh.

the car doesn't work. not my beetle. but my husband's beetle. it's a vintage beetle. he loves it. but it was acting up, and then finally died just before school started. he rebuilt the engine. he took out the old engine, put in the new one he built, then found out he was supposed to put sealant someplace he didn't. took the engine out again. applied sealant to where he was supposed to. put the engine back in. and the engine works beautifully but it leaks like a sieve. really truly.

we have been sharing one car for the past month. it is going to get really really difficult for us to share. he has to do some observations, and teach two classes. the weather is turning which will make biking to work more dodgey. and then in the spring he'll be student teaching. we'll really need two cars then.

dont know what to do. say some prayers for us....

am hoping and praying he'll get hired as soon as possible - would be amazing if he got hried on as long term sub in the spring so then he could do his student teaching and get paid for it.... or something under emergency certification. but i'm getting the impression that those are few and far between.

am getting ready to crunch numbers and start squirreling money away.....

this is going to be a very home made christmas this year. this will be the year of make as many gifts as possible. or find things at second hand stores, or up in the barn and fix them up. because money is going to be beyond tight right now. and until he gets a teaching job. this is going to suck. but it will be ok. somehow. i just can't see it.

rained a lot today.

i have one query ready to go out. one partially ready - missing six pages of manuscript. then i have one that needs 50 pages of manuscript. and our ink cartridge ran out, and we're almost out of paper. and the postage on this is going to suck.. why can't everyone just take e-queries....

am getting ready to also start sending out portions or chapters as stand alone stories, and start submitting them. fingers crossed some will get published. i have a contest to enter - i think monday is the deadline. i need to make sure i get that one. it's only 50.00 but right now it's better than nothing. hoping and praying to find an agent, and to get this sold, and to get the next piece out and done... hoping and praying to find a venue to start publishing and making some money at this.
because i really dont want to give this up. i do love it. i just need to find a way for this to start paying some bills.


heck i'll even start writing book critiques and movie critiques and maybe i'll get hired at one of the 'local' papers or i can syndicate or something. i have no idea. but we need something soon. sooner than soon.

yeah though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death i shall fear no evil.... maybe not death but this is going to be tight. it's like watching two ocean liners try to make u turns next to each other. you just grimace and squint up your eyes and brace yourself.

introduced the baby to the flannel board and made her some shapes out of flannel to stick to the board. she was in heaven. really great simple toy. yay flannel boards.

i feel very pioneerish right now. use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without. i'm trying to figure out how to make as much as possible. i hate sewing clothes, but i can do it. so i'm going to make the baby a bathrobe. she's kind of outgrown the whole hooded towel thing. and there's no bathrobes for little ones around. and there's also no slippers. so i need to figure out how to make some for her and for me.

hot chocolate tonight. maybe some supernatural. maybe some pyshing daisies.

one of us will be home tomorrow with the baby. her ear infection is gone,but she has a good cold. so one of us will be here. dont know who yet. baby still doesn't go in nursery. i never got a status report from the primary president. and until i get a report or an update (she said she would..) the baby's not going in at all. i dont care. and she may still not go in. we'll have to see.

i'm just tired of nursery. ugh. the leader wont even look at us, speak to us. ugh...

i actually dread sundays a bit.

baby and i are almost done with harry potter 2.

watched season 1, episode 1 of pushing daisies last night. it was pushing daisies, twilight, or 21. i wanted something fun, possibly brainless (not pushing daisies).. something comforting.. funerals make me want to be insulated all the more.

my husband and brother in law are currently trying to install a new engine in the old beetle. cross your fingers that will work and all will be fine..


baby still dealing with an eat infection. fevers have been low grade which is a nice change from the spike of 105. no sponge baths yet.

am seriously considering vegetariansim (semi) again. i say this i know, a lot. but then there must be something to it. and thinking and doing my home work, a more plant based diet cuts ones cancer risk pretty well. and considering my uncle just died of cancer - spots in his lungs, kidneys, liver, brain, spine and verterbrae - and his sister my aunt had uterine cancer... and their mother died of ovarian cancer. and her half sister had breast cancer.. and their mother died of ovarian cancer..
i dont need to be told that i probably carry the gene. i dont need to be tested for it. and i wont be because it can totally screw up your health insurance.

but i am seriously rethinking the way i eat. the way i live.

and along with that, i am seriously thinking about those things that are passions.. things that i really love..
aside from writing..
the arts. music, lit, film, linguistics (not an art but it is to me..)
food. i looove good food and i love to cook good food. i judge days by how good the food was..
yoga
education/learning
making a difference.
more natural living
women's rights and all of that..
different cultures

so how do i incorporate all of these things?

so i'm almost thinking again about upping my yoga practice and maybe who knows when do my certification for teacher training and start teaching and practicing more heavily.

there's this great school in nort carolina called the John Kimball (I think kimball?) folk school. i deseprately want to go there and take all sorts of classes.. and maybe open one up here..
check it out.. www.folkschool.com or it maybe .org i don tknow but HOW INCREDIBLY COOL.

i want to keep trying to learn different languages or really focus on one or two and then try to teach them to our little one..

going to start planning family get togethers with the cousins and aunts and uncles.. it's been too long. and there's no excuse when we all live within a three mile radius. (not all of us, but a lot of us..)

i want my home surrounded and filled with love and laughter and friends..

hmm...

today i attended my uncle's funeral. he died of cancer early wednesday morning. he had been diagnosed about 6 weeks ago. it was VERY fast.

my paternal grandparents were the first members of the church in this county, and they raised all their kids in the church. of those six children (five theirs and then a neice's son who they basically adopted) only two remain active in the church. those two families have raised their children in the church and most of those children are active. i think there's one in each family who doesn't attend.

and while it was a beautiful service, i kept thinking, how depressing this is. the reverend who spoke, spoke about the resurrection only in passing. he spoke one the moment that we would be reunited with neil only if we walked in faith, and he thought neil was worth getting to know so you better be good and come to Christ.
he had a different version of the bible, a newer version with different words. not the king james version. he read things from it, and i found myself thinking, that's not what that says, or that's not what that means...

and while the whole room was in tears because we're going to miss our uncle/brother/father/neighbor/grandfather/friend.... it was no help to have a reverend speaking who gave no comfort as to what happens after we die, who spoke about the resurrection almost as if it were mythological. according to legend so to speak.

i found myself feeling so bad for those around me who didn't know the gospel. who didn't know what was going to happen, where he had gone, that yes, indeed you will see him again. it's not some according to legend thing. you will see him.
i found myself being so grateful for the gospel, and for the ordinances of the temple that seal families together.
i can't imagine people being married for 35 years, and then that's it. what a cruel and sadistic joke to play on mankind. to not allow the relationship to continue, to not allow the fatherhood to continue... to continue that familial relationship. There must be more to life than just life and then death and then food for worms...

so my point in posting today is to just say how grateful i am for the gospel. to know really where we do go after we die, and what will happen. does this mean i am in any hurry to get on that long journey to the other side? no. but, it's like having travel brochures before you go on vacation. It's nice to read up on and understand the area you're going to be going to for a long while. Think of those who go on vacation with absolutely no idea where they are going or how they are going to get there or what will happen?

i'm just so glad that we have the gospel, that we have the plan of salvation, and we understand where and what happens.. it's still sad. but it's not the end.. it's merely a going away party...

viewing tonight.

tonight was the first time i have seen all of my aunts and uncles on my dad's side, in one place, in oh, tweleve years?

there has been bad blood between a lot of people. and i am still one that is very shy around people because of it.
but i realized tonight, that if i want to be loved, i have to love. i have to love the way i want to be loved. so to forgive. which i think or thought i have done but just to double check...
i would rather love and love a lot of people, than hold back my love, deciding whether or not someone is worthy of it. because the truth of the matter is, we are all god's children. we are all brothers and sisters. and if god loves all of us, even when we are misbehaving, then we should love each other even when we are misbehaving.

i dont plan on giving the world one giant group hug. but i can start with my family....


baby still has ane ar infection. still on antibiotics. she's been running a low grade fever all day. i'm just waiting for it to all go away. for her to get better. for her to be able to sleep again. for us to be able to sleep again.. to not be worried about her hearing being delayed because of scar tissue on the ear drums...

have been trying to write. hasn't been working, i think because of the funeral and all of that.
and i think also because my one writing colleague is basically building this up to be a huge best seller. but the point is, the book isn't even written yet. and i think i'm developing a bit of stage fright.
so i just need to tell the story. not worry about selling it. just tell the story.
the sooner the better its' done and sold...

but it could take a while. as i have been learning with requiem. i was hoping to have it agented by now.... ugh...

tired. want to go to bed.

dentist visit went well...

sleep now.