sturmkit

i was going to go to bed. i will still.

i have been writing. or trying to write. but i think it's just time to get a move on. the pieces i have been working on, it's been like kindergarten for them. just dallying. play time is over. i have to train the muses before they become intractable and flitter off.

decorated the christmas tree this morning. the baby loved it. she put ornaments on the tree. and when i say this, i mean literally on the tree. there's a small stack of ornaments on some of thelower branches where she was able to balance a stack of ornaments. it's sweet. she loved it. she was just in heaven with putting things on it, and how pretty it looked and the fun of it all. she kept asking for 'more balls momma more balls mommy..'

grades are submitted.

christmas shopping totally and finally done. i hate waiting this long. but it's all done. there's still some things to be made but that's fine..

i need to eb writing. i ened to be writing and submitting and all of that. my brain is just on the fritz. i dont get much of a chance to write. and by the time i get any time to myself it's late at night and i just want to sleep. so i have to refigure this whole things out.


still no set plans for what to do for the baby's second birthday. need to do cake and ice cream.
still noset plans for christmas eve or christmas day plans. i just know i want sushi. somewhere along those lines i want sushi.

tonight thebaby was terribly funny.. she ahd eaten her dinner and decided she was still hungry so she climbed up the bench next to her daddy and he was giving her mixed vegetables on a fork. she opened her mouth and leaned over to the get the entire fork - a grown up fork - in her mouth with asm any vegetables as possible. every bite....

new words: amen; oh my gosh; doggie; puppy; daddy's coats; shoes; diapers; pull up; ball; tree; owl; cow; necklace; kangaroo; boca; ojo; mano; snook (from big bigb world on pbs); broccoli; ashes; i'm forgetting a whole bunch..

looked to fund some mala beads, or something to make a set of mala beads. i'm having a terrible time focusing when i pray. mala beads or prayer beads - like a rosary - could help me focus my thoughts...

i'm finding myself going more natural. i'm wearing two bracelts, both made out of old necklaces. both are old, and earthen. one is hemp and shells, and the other is tiny tiny mud clay beads...

miss my friends.. i miss my mates from scotland, and those who are now in england... i'd love to see them again..

so i have begun something new. it's called the no poo hair care method. this does not involve holding your poop until imnplosion.
rather it's using natural elements and ingredients to clean your hair. why should we care? well because of SLS - Sodium laureth sulfate. this is what makes the soaps and shampoos and dish soaps and all of that foamy.
the question is whether or not it is safe. obviously to have gotten on to the market it has to be proven safe. or at least up to this point.
but there are still questions about it going to cancer, skin irritation, all of that..

and not to sound like a crazy hippie, but the more chemicals we put on our body, the more chemicals end up IN our bodies. People thought BPA was safe as well - it's what makles plastic shatterproof. but there are lingering questions...

so in an effort to eliminate those things from my body and to once again hedge the cancer risk inmy family, i've decided to at least try this alternative way of hair washing. Baking soda and apple cider vinegar.
you put some baking soda in your hand, make a paste, massage it into your scalp, your roots and through your hair, then rinse with hot water, and then with a dilute of three parts water to 1 part apple cider vinegar.

so i used it on the baby the other night - withouth the vinegar, just the baking soda.. and her hair is fine. i did it this morning with the vinegar, and so far so good. apparently there is an adjustment period for some people while your hair and scalp regulate again tot he oils needing to be created... (if you wash your hair with shampoo and strips your hair of all oils, then your scalp will produce more oil because it thinks it needs it..)

i have also made my own powder deodorant - baking soda and baby powder. the bakiing soda deodorizes, and the baby powder absorbs the wetness. i have been doing this for a few weeks and it feels fine. apply with a make up brush. and NO STINK. really really really.

why this? again the question is cancer. Aluminum which is in antipersiprants has been traced to alzheimers and cancer - breast is one of them. on top of that i developed an intolerance for all antiperspirants and my toms of maine deodorant was doing it anymore.
and i have mande my own facial cleanser.. 1 T each of corn meal, oats, and wheat germ. and if you're really daring 1/2 T of baking soda. all exfloiate and cleanse. pour a little bit of this powder mixture, add some water, massage into your face. workis fine.
the toner i made is also lovely. that i will definitely make again. i need to post the recipe.. it's a mint, vinegar, chammomile toner.

it's been over two months since i have had beef and pig products and i dont miss it. when my love cooks bacon that's the hardest. but that's not even a huge deal anymore. i am expanding my cooking horizons. last night i made a mushroom rice pilaf thing for the ward christmas dinner. it went well. i dont consider myself a vegetarian but i'm not far from it.

am thinking of putting Requiem in a drawer for awhile. i was going to consider self publishing but i just really dont want to.. it feels like a cop out. but i will definitely brun the entire thing to two cds, and put themboth in the safe - one of which will be mailed to me for poor man's copy right.. and then get to hard core writing on th eother two projects...

thinking of gifts for the baby. looking for a rocking horse. found some on craigslist... and just trying to even out the rest of the list... a lot of the home made gifts are done.. but some still need tobe done.. i need to order my dad's gift/birthday/christmas gift. he and the baby share the bane of december birthdays. and he'll get the this is both gifts thing which annoys me.. but it's a cool gift that just screamed my father, but a little more expensive that i would like. and then my uncle just showed up with the money in hand.... i didn't ask. he just did it.. go randy. allow me to pick up my jaw...

and am very happy to hear that the cd player hooked up to our big stereo console is working again so i can have cds in and have music through the entire house - the console is THAT BIG - without the baby turning off the computer and losing music... yay for music..


hailers if you want recipes for natural stuff let me know.. and i have to send stuff off to you to read... i need brain picking...

huggles. i'm glad your mom is doing better....

still writing.
today or last night, i exhausted all of the agents on the one website that i thought were appropriate to the piece. i had gotten one request for more materials, but she eventually passed.

so now i am at a cross roads. this means i have to go back and start querying by snail mail out of the writers market. this isn't a bad thing but it means i have to pay for postage which is expensive. that is the major downfall to that. that and i have to pay for ink, and envelopes and paper.

i can keep my eyes open for contests and enter it there. but there's again the ink, paper, and the contest entry fee.

or i can sit on it for a little while, and push all i can through dark neverland and wuthering heights, and get them done done done, and queried and sent out.

i dont know which i should do.

i'm almost leaning more towards just pushing out dark neverland and wuthering heights as fast and as good as i can and making them rock like crazy.. and getting them done and queried and hopefully agented, and out.

mental note: need to make a dvd/cd with all of the writing on it, and put it in a safe... just in case computers fail. i think i have done this but i'm not sure. i'm also not far from putting it in various other hands too. just different people's safes. so if all else fails, there's more than one copy floating around..

semester is over. i need to do some tidying up, and some grading, but, it's done..

rain and snow today.

it feels like a movie day though i dont know if the baby will let me watch a movie.. and i feel like i still have too much to do.

the phd idea keeps coming back to my mind. but i keep thinking, why do i want it? just to have it and be smart and awesome? or for job security? i'm lenaing towards the first. so they why pay 50.000 dollars when i have library cards... if i was staying in academia, i might want the phd for job security and i like the idea of being called dr lane... but it's not a huge deal. i prefer professor..

still need to dos ome work on christmas gifts. still need to order a couple, and get the aquarium set up for the baby's birthday or christmas. havent decided which yet.

spent a few hours yesterday cleaning two rooms - the baby's room and our bedroom. our room is significantly better. but the laundry room as a result of cleaning our room has exploded with LOTS of laundry to be done that i just cant bring myself to do right now.

the house is slowly starting to take form that i would like it to. i have hope. just slowly..

off to check school email and go grab stuff for another christmas gift...

and hopefully write...

and figure out dinner. something warm and delicious is in order.

and the baby is not napping.

still sending out queries. i had been hoping ot be agented by now. this is getting very very old.

my mom was watching the baby on wednesday and the baby had a fever. she had had a slight one the day before. baby got upset, shivering her fever was so high. (this is not unusual. she often spikes fevers. but the thermometer said 101.5 so it hink our thermometer isn't accurate.)
mom took baby to drs office. they didnt say what it was, but just that it wasn't flu... got her on meds. she's doing great now. she's eating, still not great but more than what she was... and she's active and playing and no fevers. and no ear infection that we can see. so yay.
but i was waiting for a phone call all day until it got to me...

i have about three writing ideas going right now. two that are started and a friend of mine approached me last night wtih an idea to possibly work together on... it oculd be fun.

i'm still feeling terribly distracted at work and just want to be home. i'm geting bored which is never good..

hailers- how are your parents??

so i survived thanksgiving. i wasn't looking forward to it. really wasn't. was really apprehensive about it and wanted to leave early. turns out my love did too for a litle while.

sleeping: my nephew being awesome that he is, gave us his room. he slept on the floor of his sisters' room. the girls being 3 1/2 yrs old and 2 years old and fight like sisters. screaming, yelling, drama drama drama. and cam had to sleep on the floor between their two beds. my nephew rocks.

so we took the two mattresses from the byunk beds and put them on the floor. set up the pack and play and that was us. the baby doesn't like her pack and play and hahd a hard time sleeping. but it was probably worse because we were right there next to her so every sound was magnified a thousand fold. but we survived.

brought two books with me: Eat pray love, and Everything's eventual by stephen king. LOVED eat pray love. love love love love. not really into the king.

hung out with the kids and my husbands twin and her husband.
the baby had a wonderful time with her cousins. she even learned how to say their names...

watched Angels and Demons. excellent.

went up to maine for a few hours. i love love love maine.


i am trying to write, and getting some slow work done but i keep getting haunted by other ideas. like opening a store. like being afraid of next semester until we have a job...

am still sending out queries. still trying. but i want to get the other things done too..

just tired. really really tired.

suffered through a painful presentation today in my core 110 course...

and i need to figure out what to do for dinner..

sigh..

hailers i will post a much longer response to your responses.. just suffice it to say for the moment..THANK YOU.

relief society was good today. it was a general conference talk - There were None to Go with him.... holland from april's conference.
just really beautiful. and the person who taught it i love and she's awesome anyway. so that helped. so rather than me checking out.. i stayed checked in somewhat.

i wrote a poem yesterday. and found another poem that wrote years ago, that i still like... hailers if you want to see them let me know...

i have so many thins i want to do. so many things i'd rather be doing..... dream big has been my game and goal... and i guess right now, i'm not willing to let go of my writing dreams. i dont knw what else to do.

so my determination right now:
write myself out of this.

write my way out of this. out of hating my life. if i hate my life - then i'll make for myself an alternate one that i can love, that i can disappear into, that i can write and that will be great to get us out of this spot...

i'm going to write my way out of it.

short stories.
poetry.
novels.

but we're tlaking fast. i'm not talkig about leisure. i'm talking abotu pumping things out as fast as i can.

and other side ideas i want to do...

i really want and need to pursue yoga more often... i have thought for a while about getting certified as a yoga teacher.. i think this is somethig i'd still like to do.

and looking at a green family store. a store or shop that provides things for green living. cloth diapers, things that aren't going to be harmful tot he environment or to anyone else. i know for me, i'm getting to where i can't even use most deodorants anymore. i'm either allergic or i've developed an intolerance... so i have to go with Tom's of Maine, which is ok but not great... and lots of dusting powder..
there is a need for healthy and more natural and green lifestyle products here....
there's no place to get evegtarian food around here. you have to go to the grocery store and ask them to look in the back tht they might have it...

so i kind of like that idea... a place for more natural or green living....

and i really want to learn more about how to cook and cook vegetarian or alternative foods... good home cooked foods...


but i'm going to write my way out of this. i dont know how. but i'm going to. hailers get ready for a flooded inbox :)

i'm not sure how much longer i'll be in academia. at least next semester. and then we'll see. i'd like to not be there much longer..


this doesn't solve other problems here dealing with my husband and the weird wording, or us not connecting and all of that. but at least it's going to be my life raft.

i started on one of stories or pieces i have been thinking about, last night. and i like it.. it's rough but it's coming. dark neverland is chilling for a moment, but the boxes are starting to rumble some in the attic again..


i found yesterday a notebook i started in scotland. it's one i love. but it still has emoty page sin it. and i dont feel like i can do double duty with dark neverland and this other thing in the same notebook. they need their own space.

today the lady at church who i am going to be teaching piano in barter for riding her horse double checked with me if i still want to do that, and i do. i am looking forward to riding.


hailers thank you.

at what point do you realize you sold off or gave up on your dreams because you thought it was time to grow up and behave in a grown up fashion?
at what point is it too late to realize that you can or cant make any difference?

just having a hard moment.

just still hating my life semi.
my husband said he'd like me to be more girly but he doesn't know what that means or what he means by girly. so how can i even try to do that?

he said today, "if i thought you'd want to, i'd see if could get your mom to watch the baby, and we could go out for dinner or something..." he thinks its fine what he said. but he said if i th ought you'd want to. which (am i just dumb or overanalyzing?) that he doesn't think i would want to?
ugh.

and all i could think of was, no i really dont want to, and now that you just said that i really dont want to.


does having a family mean that you give birth to everyone else and never to yourself?

and tomorrow i have to teach in gospel doctrine class, a lesson that has very little relating it to the doctrine and covenants and the church history, but it's the token lesson on sex, and the law of chastity. i have to come out and say that all who are practice homoesexuality, or lesbianism are sinners and are fallena way. when some of my dearest friends are gay, and lesbians, and some acquaintances of ours have even gotten their union legally recognized via the civil unions thingie.
and yes i support the church, but i also dont think it's nice to go and start telling people that they're all going to hell.. it makes for awkward conversation. i believe in civil unions. i believe in next of kin rights. i beleve that no one should be discriminated against because of their sexuality, religion, ethnicity, or eye color....i work with the Gay Alliance at my college...

and i am just homesick foir the uk. like crazy. i miss my friends. i never thoght i'd be here.

my friend said, well you like to churn butter... and i said no i dont. i dont want to be a farmer. i just live on a farm. i think it's important to kow where your food comes from and allof that. but i really dont want to be a farmer. i dont trust it well enough.

i really never thought i'd be here.. and i'm just feeling a buit homesick for where i thought i'd be.

still not looking forward to thanksgiving. but i know if i dont go it will raise more alarms and suspicions and all of that. set the tongues to wagging...

so when do you give up your dreams to be a respectable grown up? and in the process how do you keep from becoming a vacant human, who's desperately screaming on the inside, although no one ever hears them...

and to those who read, no i'm not going to hurt myself. no i'm not going to up and leave my family.

cant i really have my cake nd eat it too?
how do i do this???

so still no word from the people hailers. but i think that's probably alright. if they're as much of schmucks as you say they are, it might be better off.

had to get a filling yesterday. now this is one of the most difficult things for me to do. i had an exceptional dentist growing up. he would dress up for halloween. just a really great guy.
well he has parkinsons, so he's unable to practice. the dentist who took over for him was lovely but not him. she gave me a shot for a filling and didn't warn me and i almost hit her. i had my wisdom teeth taken out about seven years ago. and that was the last time i saw a dentist, until recently for a check up etc. so for not having seen a dentist, and needing only one filling? i'd say that's pretty good.

but i went yesterday. i steeled my nerves. popped in my ipod so i couldn't hear the drill while i was waiting in the waiting room.
and then they called me back. i was able to keep my ipod on which was very very nice. it helped keep me calm.
and the dentist was AMAZING. he gave me the shot to numb the area for my filling. i didn't feel it. really didn't feel it. i was in and out in about twenty minutes. but he just did ana amazing job. probably the best filling i've ever had.
i didn't have that weird numb face feeling that then wakes up with weird pins and needles.
he actually gave methe option of not using numbing agent but i opted for it. and when he got into the cavity he said he was gglad we did because it was quite near the nerve.

but oh my goodness. best filling ever if that makes any sense. incredibly gentle. fast. highly satisfied.

watched supernatural last night. oh my goodness. i felt like i had missed a couple episodes but oh my gosh! holy cow!

and here i sit sending out queries hoping again that something is going to take.

did yoga this morning and i remembered how much i loved it. and how far i have fallen behind in it. but i loved it...

i am kind of in an i hat emy life moment right now.

not all the way. there are blessings.

but i just feel like going ergh a lot.

i hate that i am still not agented.
i hate the response, you're bnooks was great, i really liked it. it was well written, well crafted, but......

i ahte that i dont kow whats happening next semester and where we will be after that.
i hate that my love and i dont talk a whole lot.
i hate that when i'm home i have to compete for the computer and that the baby just yells at me all day. yes i know she's not yelling, she's communicating. but when the communicating is lound and sounds like yelling, it feels like yelling too.
i hate that the baby has gotten picky with food so i have no idea what she will eat or wont eat...
i hate having bills to pay and not always knowing how they will get paid.
i hate potty training.
i feel like a slave some days.
o hate not being able to have a grown up conversation with anyone. that's why i watch family guy because at least there i get some sort of grown up conversation or dialogue.
i hate that i find myself rocking out to sid the science kid.
i hate that there' still issues with feminism and the church.
i hate that although i know there's not a male schauvinist thing with the church, and that men and women are equal, i hate that often it comes across as we're not...

so i'm just feeling like i kind of hate my life right now....
not hating. just frustrated. not sure how to get out of this funk. and then i have to go to the dentist this week, and see if the dr's has a shot for the baby - the h1n1 booster shot. ugh.

and then we're going to new hampshire for thanksgiving. and me who is people claustraphobic and need to have room where i can hide, will be spending five days in a small house, with five other people - three small chidlren, two other adults, not counting ourselves, and a dog (our own dog). no place to hide. no place to work. and although it's vacation, it's going to feel like the same old rubbish just another day and location.

ugh.

so last night i sang with our branch choir. all four of us. two sopranos, and two men, i dont know what parts they sang. but for four of us, we belted pretty well.
found out that a friend of ours is now in hospice care. he may not make it to christmas. we have all known it was coming. but it's still not easy.
also found out a good friend of mine, my second father basically, his appendix burst about three weeks ago. he's recovering and doing well. but he is still hurting and tired and just doesnt sound like himself..

today my love went and took his praxis 2, and went hunting. i kind of dont like venison a whole lot, especially as i dont eat red meat. but oh well. he went with some friends which is good.

two nights ago, friday morning actually, i sent off a manuscript to an old friend of mine. fromo the comments so far, he likes it.. but i have never been so nervous as this time actually. i know its not done, but it may never see the light of day. but i thought he should see it. call it a gift so to speak. but i'm totally on nettles.

actually bought make up today - just some foundation, and a tinted moisturizer. i'm attempting to be semi girly. and i bought three shirts because i have been desperate for work clothes.. and these are nice. and on sale. so yeah.

havent written atall today. i'm letting the ideas arrange themselves before i begin. i can hear them getting ready. that must sound totally strange. but so be it.

i applied for a job today. there's a school in florida looking for adjuncts online. and that would be perfect for me. absolutely perfect. so fingers crossed..
still waiting to hear from hailers' lead.

baby is choosing not to eat.

my dog is driving me crazy.

am in a movie mood. maybe invasion of the body snatchers, or something else really good... or maybe just a chance to write.. but i dont know how it will work.

listening to bruce sprinhsteen's We shall overcome. very very cool. am loving it. even if yo're not a bruce fan you' might like this...

so next term i have two classes. two core 110s - effective writing. the harry potter didnt make it past committee. not because it was a bad idea but because as students only have to take 1 lit course, they want it to be more highbrow and from the canon. yes they used the words highbrow and canon - canon meaning typically holy scripture or widely respected. sherlock holmes addicts refer to the stories and colelctions as the canon. so we're talking classic classics.
but no worries. i can try again. my chair will keep me in mind for any lit openings, and i've expressed interest in teaching a couple other courses to the appropriate people.

but the weird thing was, i just kind of got this feeling, aside from not being upset about it which i wasn't in the least, but of just that's ok.. and of not being there much longer. i dont know why or how. if it's from my love getting an awesomoe teaching job and my not having to work anymore, or being able to write and publish, or us moving and my teaching somewhere else...or if something else will show up in teaching, i dont know.. but i just kind of got this feeling that it would be ok... nice to get those feelings.

bought my love a present. my parking lot is right across the street from a poblanita - a little bakery. they carry mexican hot chocolate. that's probably not the right way to put it.. but it comes in a yellow octagonal box, and you break off the sections, and make it with milk and a blender... and it's like heaven. we ran out a while ago. and i figured he'd like some. tomorrow he takes his praxis 2 - say some prayers folks... and then he and some of his friends are going hunting. so i wont see him until evening probably..

writing.. i think i'm to a point where i need to actually be drafting out dark neverland. no more brainstorming but actually doing it. and wuthering heights is startingto make some noise up in the attic. so it's time to get going.

another snuggle morning with the baby. she woke up around 3:40 and came trottiing into our bedroom. i picked her up and brought her into bed with us. she snuggled in and slept for about twenty minutes before we decided that we had to take her back. i see all the reasoning for it. no family bed habits. blah blah blah. and i agree with them. but it's hard when your little girl is curled up next to you, her head on your arms, and you feel her breathe.. it's a beautifully tender moment.. i just hate it to end.

attempting to rearrange the living room. not going so well.

thats all the news...

watched dr horrible in 2 of my 3 classes today. i'm still singing the songs :)

am getting antsy to write and pump things out, but now i have two stories starting to compete for space. i have too many voices talking. one is my friend who swears the dark neverland thing will be huge.. but ok.. but it's taking forever to write it as my time is limited.. and i cant shake the wuthering heights thing...

this morning was a snuggle morning with the baby.. it was lovely..

hailers rocks...

i dont want to attack my kitchen but i need to.

i want hot chocolate.

there is much more to say but my words are falling short right now...

not necessarily long term..

i want scones. good blueberry or raspeberry scones. and pronounced Scawnes. not sco(long o) scones

i want papa johns pizza with breadsticks and garlic dipping sauce.

i want chicken tandoori and mango ice cream

i want my favorite tea which i can't get in this country bloody annoyance

i want to sit and talk and visit for hours more with my friend jane. or at least know that i can.

i want to hear bob rumbling around somewhere with the dog or playing with the grill in the back or getting himself a drink and to see his flannel shirts somewhere.

i want to be writing and getting that taken care of. publishing. doing well. paying bills.

i want to be able to put our child in nursery and not expect and be given the worse case scenario. every bloody time.

i want a hosue in the highlands, or in th elake district. maybe even with a thatched roof.

i want a proetty garden.


i'm just feeling very homesick right now..

i miss jane...

How Many Nights
by Galway Kinnell

How many nights
have I lain in terror,
O Creator Spirit, maker of night and day,

only to walk out
the next morning over the frozen world,
hearing under the creaking snow
faint, peaceful breaths...
snake,
bear, earthworm, ant...

and above me
a wild crow crying 'yaw, yaw, yaw'
from a branch nothing cried from ever in my life.

"How Many Nights" by Galway Kinnell, from Three Books. © Houghton Mifflin, 2002. Reprinted with permission. (buy now)

i was talking to a colleague of mine as we walked from the parking lot to our office together and we got on the subject of music.. cellos, bass..

and i made him watch/listen to the simple gifts from the inauguaration..

it reminded me how much i loved and still love music...

and then in looking for something ot show him what a low E on an upright Bass sound slike, i found this..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tg4kr9tDtjI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCXRskJ6E0o&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VDmvuyKOyU&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFr5qyzfpXA&feature=related

and it made me smile.... like remembering an old friend.

my bass teacher back when i was a music major was the only one who said he would miss me.... he said he would miss my humanity...

i liked cello but i think i loved bass...
not the fiinger plucking thing. but the bow work...

the sloppy joes were really good. i dont typically like sloppy joes. i think they're usually an excuse for food. but these were really good. i'll make them again.

just submitted ana rticle to a magazine. crossing fingers.

baby has a pot op follow up appointment today.


did a proposal for a harry potter / children fantaty literature course for school. trying to hedge my bets and ensure that i get some courses. even if i ihave to make them up myself. i sent it off to my suprvisor who said she'd be happy to look it over.
that is one HUGE thing off my to do list.

now it's more writing, morem eal planning, some life planning, brain mapping kind of thing..

have to go to the library on the way, and i must get chocolate. for halloween yes. for all three trick or treaters we get.

but wow i need chocolate.
maybe ice cream too. it is sueprnatural night after all.

hailers what'd you think of the proposal?

so i said i needed to do a menu

here are my efforts. i only plan dinners because everythign else is left overs or easy stuff.


tonight

BBQ Sloppy Joes - using ground turkey

Prep Time: 5 min Total Time: 20 min Makes: 4 servings, one sandwich each
What You Need!
1 lb. lean ground beef
1 each: green pepper and onion, finely chopped
1/2 cup KRAFT Original Barbecue Sauce
1/2 cup water
1/4 lb. (4 oz.) VELVEETA Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product, cut up
4 hamburger buns, split

Make It!
BROWN meat in large nonstick skillet on medium-high heat; drain. Add peppers and onions; cook 5 min., stirring occasionally.

STIR in barbecue sauce, water and VELVEETA; cook 2 min. or until VELVEETA is melted and mixture is well blended, stirring frequently.

MEANWHILE, toast the buns. Fill buns evenly with meat mixture.
Kraft Kitchens TipsMake AheadCool meat mixture completely. Place in resealable freezer-weight plastic bag or four small freezer containers; place buns in resealable freezer-weight plastic bag. Freeze up to 3 months. Thaw meat mixture and buns in refrigerator overnight. When ready to serve, reheat meat mixture in small saucepan on medium heat, stirring frequently. Meanwhile, toast the buns. Fill buns evenly with meat mixture.Variation - Saucy BBQ Sloppy JanesSubstitute lean ground turkey for the ground beef.

tomorrow
will be posted later. am going ot be late for class.

i'm back at work after a week off from the cold from hades.

it's raining. i want to go home. but it hink i'll probably just end up going and getting lunch. i dind't grab anything this morning before i left.

still trying to figure out alternate sources of income. have started writing an article. may see what I can do about submitting it and hopefully getting it sold..

anything right now..

am eating m&Ms and probably shouldn't.

and i dont care.

need to figure out a meal plan for the rest of the week and figure out what i'm going to do for dinners etc, and for halloween this weekend.

roughly five weeks of class left. and then we'll see how this all goes...

five weeks to nail dark neverland and get it done.. hailers maybe iwill send it to you. i need to figure out space and all.. and maybe startpumping out another piece and pray for publications and stories etc...

i just had to explain to my mother that i do NOT have swine flu.

in order to do this - even though i have had the vaccination - i referred to webmd and read her all the symptoms for both flus and colds.

i have had a wicked cold.

NOT FLU.

now the baby is getting a cold. grrr..

at least it shouldn't end up being an ear infection. let's test out those new ear tubes and make sure they do their job.

my ears ache right now from the fluid and all from this bloody cold.

repeat.


MOTHER I DO NOT HAVE SWINE FLU.

i have been crazy sick.
not swine flu. but i had a tiny tiny tiny microscopic sore throat the day i got my swine flu vaccination and i think that and the crazy life melt down that is my life just was too much and pushed my poor immune system over the edge. i have been out of school since wednesday. i will be going back this wednesday. a full week. wow. i never do that.
i have been posting assignments on the websites so we're all good. but i feel kind of awful about it.

read something last night, in preparing for the sunday school lesson i teach in two weeks - this week halloween actually is stake conference weekend - and it was a quote by president hinckley. basically said, Things will work out. they always do.

and it was just such a reaffirmation that things will work out.

things are still a struggle. but it will be ok.
i dont know how. but God does. and that's all that matters. he can show met he rest on a need to know basis.

submitted 20 pages of my novel to an online press.. we'll see. i'm not sure, but i sent out a query. can't hurt.


picked out a bridesmaid dress from totally modest.com now i just have to get into better shape. i'm not bad but i'm getting teacher arms. ugh. i want to do better. so i think it's back to postnatal bootcamp for a while then building up again to 30 day shred.

am making more christmas gifts.

considering sending the baby back to nursery. the branch president is involved as is the entire priamry presidency. i think i'm right. i'm fairly sure i'm right.
but what is more important right now. being right, or the baby's chance to get to go to class? we have not had her in nursery. but it's tothe point where she just runs around or we have to hide out during the second and third hours of church.
i do want her to be able to be in nursery.
i just want to feel comfortable with it.

i think my love will go in with her for the first few times and we'll just keep insanely close tabs on it.
i dont know. but i am thinking about it. she did enjoy it.

so thinking.

need to do more yoga.

need to do more meal planning.